The Super Bowl, and how to give a hoot

With the impending Super Bowl XLVIII (Superb Owl from this point onwards) on the horizon, 2nd Feb to be exact, I have been requested by my girlfriend to put together this basic guide of the game. I mean, it lasts for hours, and you don't want to be asking every 30 seconds what's going on. This guide will not only impress others with your in-depth knowledge of the rules, it will help you survive the most-watched event on TV in 2014.

YOU WILL BE PART OF HISTORY.

Don't see this spectacle as a waste of several hours. See it as an opportunity. Be an American for the evening. Eat your body weight in fried food, and indulge in drinking beer. Coors or Bud is recommended. Throw away your passport, greet everyone you meet warmly, and embrace your right to bear arms, whether gun or ursine.

So. The game. It's obviously American. They cry during the national anthem. They make lots of unnecessary noise i.e. whooping and hollering. They have silly team names. They even dress up as Vikings. Get used to it. 

That's the culture. Now, the rules. There isn't enough time IN THE WORLD to explain them all, so here are the basics.

1. The game last 60 minutes and is made up of four quarters, each lasting 15 minutes. Yes, the game does last for hours. There are lots of stops and starts, which make for perfect toilet break and drink refill opportunities.

2. There is the offense (pronounced OH-fence) and the defense (pronounced DEE-fence). The offense has four attempts at making 10 yards. If they do, it is called a first down (which usually induces whooping and hollering). If they do not, they often kick it away.

3. Points system. You get 6 points for a touchdown - this is when a player carries or catches the ball in the end zone. There are two end zones, found at opposite ends of the pitch. You get 1 point for kicking the ball through the posts after a touchdown, a point-after attempt. If the offense does not advance the required 10 yards and they are within distance of the posts, they can attempt a field goal. This is worth 3 points. Other points are for a safety - when the defense tackles the quarterback (usually the most popular guy in college with the rich dad) in the end zone. This is worth 2 points, but does not happen very often. After a touchdown, the offense has the chance to go for a 'two point conversion'. This means they either have to run or pass the ball into the end zone. Funnily enough, it's worth 2 points. See? Simple.

4. As in most sports, the winner has the most points after 60 minutes. They are crowned the 'world champions' even though only Americans play the sport with any real note. Hilares, I know.

So we have culture and rules covered. Now the half time show.

Last year Beyonce performed at the famous half time show, some of you may remember the blackout and the photo above doing the rounds on Twitter. The year before that it was please-wear-some-clothes Madonna, and both received rave reviews. The worst to date has to be the Black Eyed Peas. My personal favourite is Prince. ANYWAY. This year Bruno Mars (y'know, the guy who will supposedly catch a grenade for you) is performing with the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. This is a prime opportunity to hit social media and comment on whatever's going on. Trust me, you wont be alone in doing this.

That's it. You're armed with all the information you need. All that's left is to drink beer, eat fried cheese and shout loudly. Enjoy. 

By David.

If you fancy watching the game like a proper American, possibly WITH other proper Americans, The Diner in London is hosting a Touchown Night. It's £45 per person and starts at 22:30. You'll get all the traditional foods, as well as a six pack of beer and 6 shots of tequila (if you're being dragged along it's sure to numb the pain). To purchase a ticket for this all-American Super Bowl party, call The Diner on 020 7287 8962 or head to The Diner, Soho 18 Ganton Street W1F 7BU. Good luck and godspeed if you do.