Here's how to... be a Disney Princess (note: must love birds and chores)

The media tells us that it’s every little girl’s dream to be a Disney princess. As a scruffy-haired, tree-climbing tomboy, it wasn’t my dream. There was nothing relatable to me about beautiful, but prissy Snow White and her fervour for cleaning, or golden-locked, vacuous Aurora who shared as many valuable opinions and ideas while asleep as she did awake.

But then in 1995 Disney did a wondawful thing to me. They released Pocahontas. They gave a scabby-kneed 10-year-old me something to aspire to. A headstrong, forest-leaping, animal-befriending idol. So I became one of those girls who wanted to be a Disney Princess. I ran around my local woods, belting out Colours of the Wind, and half-hoping a friendly raccoon (or more likely, squirrel) would leap out of the bushes and become my right-hand-man-raccoon-squirrel.

And I must confess, even as a fully (well, partly) grown-up, modern, feminist woman there's still a small part of me that just aches to replicate Pocahontas. I can’t count how many times I’ve skipped around the living room singing along to Disney songs (in fact, I’m listening to them now). The fact is, that however unfeminist, unrealistic and unattainable the Disney life is, there’s also something a bit magical about it.So, how can you live the life of a Disney princess?

1. Expectations. First of all, forget most princes look like this not this.

2. Love cleaning. Not just tolerate it, but actively LOVE it. Remember how happy Snow White was to clean up after the dwarves? She was rarely without a beaming smile as she swept and polished, and she even had a song about it. So before you moan about washing the dishes, or dusting the TV, think Disney. I am a princess, I AM a princess.

3. Befriend all the animals. Every. Single. One. You can’t just discriminate for the fluffy, cute ones. Remember Cinderella? Her friends were rats. RATS. And Ariel? She was friends with a crab. And a seagull. She befriended one of those scary, screechy birds that nick your chips at the seaside. And Pocahontas? Only besties with one of America’s greatest pests, the raccoon. So, sorry not just deer-hugging here, you may have to get nose-to-snout with all the stinky, smelly, scary animals too.

4. Sing. Yep, any Disney princess worth her salt can belt out a tune and a half. All the better if it’s about true love or cleaning (see point 2). So, you'd better start tuning up your vocal chords cause let’s face it, if you can’t sing a song about why you are sad/happy/lonely/unsatisfied/drunk then you ain’t gonna to get far in Disney world.

5. Fall in love easily. Remember that scene in Sleeping Beauty where Aurora's in the woods and meets Prince Whatshisface (like anyone remembers this, it’s ALL about the princesses). BANG. Instant true love. Snow White, she wasn’t even awake when she fell in love with her prince. Total dedication. And Pocahontas? She didn’t speak the same language as John Smith, but they loved each other so much that magic happened and BOOM! True love. Living with a horrendous beast who's keeping you captive in his castle as a slave after nearly mutilating your widowed father? That’s ok, it's all redeemed by fast-acting, true love. Yay!

6. Have an evil relative. This would REALLY help. Particularly if they're willing to poison you, lock you up, or make you marry someone inappropriate. If you don’t have an evil relative, hunt out a local witch. Bonus points if you have an evil-witch-relative.

7. Have perfect hair. Have you ever seen Belle, Aurora or Ariel with a single strand out of place? There’s a reason Princess Kate (of real-life-princessdom) is always rocking a shiny mane. You can’t fling around greasy locks and win a prince’s heart, now can you?

So, there you go. Now you have all the tools you need to be a waspy-waisted, showtune-belting Disney princess. Run forth and remember – live happily ever after. It’s your right.