Here's how to... become famous the quick way, and the better way

Dictionary.com defines a celebrity as a ‘famous or well-known person.' But that seems slightly loose. Famous? Well-known? What does that even mean?

Anyone and their mother can become a famous or well-known person. How? You could attempt to breakdance while re-enacting Titanic’s King of the World scene on Britain’s Got Talent. Fancy yourself the next Pavarotti? Even if you can’t sing, let the world know by auditioning for The X Factor and cat-wailing your way through The Ketchup Song.

If you have no discernible talent whatsoever, hit up Channel 5 (not even people who are famous want to be on Channel 5) bung yourself in a house where Brian Dowling (exactly) will do his best Davina impression every week, evicting one of you out before someone wins £20 and a bottle of Lynx at the end.

Once you’ve done one of the above – or all three, because why not – it’s off to the jungle for you, alongside an absurdly chested starlet, two former ‘famous’ sporting stars, a 90s TV star and probably one of a choice of Bodger, Badger, Zig, Zag or Roland the Rat. Celebrity, hey.
If you really want to be a celeb you’ve got your work cut out. Aside from Katie Price hogging the zed-lines with her, er, beautiful outfit creations you’ve got break-ups, make-ups, rumoured pregnancies, rumoured marriages, rumoured affairs, rumoured rumours and Simon Cowell to contend with.

As with most things, there is an unorthodox way to go about these things, and there is an orthodox way.

Unorthodox
1. Have successful or famous parents/brothers/sisters. It worked for Miley Cyrus, every Kardashian spawned, Nicole Richie, Ashlee Simpson, Jaden Smith, Kelly Osbourne, Hailee Duff (who?), Paris Hilton, all of Made in Chelsea. But be warned: celebrity comes with an expiration date, so plan to have a few of these on the go at the same time

2. Make a YouTube video of yourself eating a spoon of cinnamon. Honestly. It’ll get you famous.

3. Be the friend of someone famous who has died (and then flaunt that on The Voice). This actually worked, somehow. Tyler James, you sicken me.

4. Sleep your way to the top. Everyone from What’s-Her-Name-who-did-the-dirty-with-that-Russell-Brand (see: most women) to the Duchess of Cambridge has perfected this one. Sorry, Kate. But it’s a bit true.

5. Be the sister of someone who’s slept their way to the top. Shyeah. Nice one, Pippa.

Most Orthodox Unorthodox Move: Big Brother. This worked out best for Craig. Remember Craig? He was a cheeky little Scouser who got a reasonably respectable job on…erm…what was it? DIY SOS? 60 Minute Makeover? Something where he sawed things. Get yourself on there, be a bit of an arse but charming enough to make several hundred people in the nation vote to keep you in your fame-cage.

OR, if you do have talent, self-respect, and a computer, try this…

Orthodox
1. Nurture your talent. It’s a hard slog becoming famous in any way shape or form, so make sure you are the best you can be at what you want to do.

2. Try to reach the widest possible audience. Nowadays, with the advent of social networking, this is much easier than it ever has been. Upload a YouTube video (of, like, singing or acting or dancing or whatever your forte is – not cinnamon consumption), Facebook it to your friends, tweet it to your acquaintances, pin it to your pinboard…hell, FourSquare us and tell us where you filmed it! (Actually, even better, if you can show it to us in six seconds, get a Vine on the go. Vines are great. Especially with cats in.) The more you see social media as your friend, the more you can use it to your advantage.

3. If you do garner some sort of fame, get a good publicist (or good publicity). Half the battle is the reach your talents can extend across. This is where shows such as BGT and The X Factor are forces for good. They can enhance how many know of you across a city, a county, or even a nation, in the space of months.

4. Work hard. This is covered partially in the first point (and the second, actually), but it is important. Nothing came to anyone overnight. Even the Beatles weren’t to everyone’s taste before they went global. Hell, I still don’t like the Libertines.

5. Stay positive. It’s hella hard. But if you stick to it, and keep your head up, you’ll get to where you want to be.

So there you are. You may have heard of the phrase, ‘Any publicity is good publicity.’ But it’s not. Not if you have respect for yourself. Don’t exploit your wares – or the wares of your parents, sister or dead best friend. Work hard, stay positive, and let people know you are there. It’ll all work out.

By Tom.