I saw my friend crushed by a horse. A year later, it was time to go back.

I can hear the screams of my friend just as vividly as I can see her horse desperately trying to get out of the ditch that he had fallen into. I can hear the girls crying, and feel my own tears rolling down my face. Every time that I think back to that day, I get a tight knot in my stomach that makes me feel physically sick. I remember it. But I can't explain just how I felt when I watched her horse's legs slip down the ditch before he fell backwards onto my friend, crushing her. Nor can I tell you what I was feeling when her cries for help stopped. There was only silence.

It is the worst feeling in the world to think you've just stood and watched someone you care about die. Even though you know deep down there's nothing you could do, the feeling of self-hatred is unbelievable as you question why you didn’t do more.

Luckily for everyone, the horse managed to correct himself and climb out of the ditch. And if that date has left me with any positive emotions, it is that if it isn’t your time to go, you really won’t go. Everything was against my friend during that moment, yet the whole world must have been fighting for her to survive. I’m not a religious person at all, but I can understand why people might turn to a belief in God after experiencing something like that, because I really do believe that someone, somewhere, was looking out for her.

How the ambulance managed to work out where we were when we didn’t even know ourselves, with just the little snippets of information that we had given them is beyond me. Piecing the landmarks together, they got to us in about five minutes. They have my utmost respect.

Honestly, I thought that I'd moved on. Because apart from the odd nightmare, it hasn’t changed my daily life. I’ve always suffered from night terrors anyway, so the fact they've become focused on an event that I have actually seen didn’t seem odd to me. But the more that I have thought about it all, especially with it coming up to it being a year since it all took place, I’ve started to wonder if I am ok with it.

Since that day I’ve actively avoided talking to anyone about the experience. In fact I haven’t spoken to anyone about how I feel. I quite often get flashbacks at random points during my day from the incident and there are times when I struggle to talk to my friend because it brings all of those memories flooding back into my mind.

I had been thinking about going back to the ditch for a while and last week, for the first time since last August, that's exactly what I did. On my way there a friend and I joked around, but inside my stomach was doing somersaults. As we turned the bend and reached the little bridge on the bridleway, I couldn’t see or hear anything other than what I had seen and heard the last time that I was there. The whole incident went right in front of my eyes. It was as if no time had passed. I felt like I was right back there in the moment. This was when I realised I probably hadn’t dealt with the incident at all.

I had believed that going back would instantly cure me, which of course it hasn’t done. But I think it's woken me up. I've come to realise while it won’t ever be something I forget, it doesn’t have to be something I can't cope with. And I shouldn’t be ashamed it's still affecting me.

If I could offer advice to anyone who's been through a traumatic experience, it'd be to stop avoiding the
issue; it doesn’t help, it won’t make it go away and there is always someone out there who is feeling the same way that you are. You are not alone in this, so do not feel that you are. Talk, talk and talk some more, cry if you need to, just get it all off your chest. And most importantly, face up to whatever your fear is. Mine was going back to the place that it all happened. It was terrifying and initially it didn’t make me feel better, but it was vital for me to do it and I’m glad that I went.

In reality I think that day will always sit a little bit too comfortably in the forefront of my mind. But now I feel like I've stood up to the one part that was scaring me most. I have faced those memories and in doing so I have decided that I won’t be beaten by something that I cannot erase from my mind.

Roxana, from RRS Counselling, says after exposure to extreme traumatic incidents, "individuals may respond with sadness, anger, helplessness, and guilt. These are normal reactions in the context of witnessing an abnormal incident. When basic assumptions about self and the world are shattered, traumatic reactions are likely to follow, which in turn, may manifest into PTSD if left untreated."

The key is dealing with those feeling as soon as possible. "Having trained in Critical Incident Stress Management Debriefing," Roxana says, "early intervention for crisis is crucial to supporting individuals’ need to ‘normalise’ their trauma, particularly if revisiting the scene of the event."

Her advice? "I would advise to try keeping to your usual day-to-day routine, being vigilant of any stress reactions or major changes and perhaps make a note of these in your journal. Be mindful that there may be triggers to stress reactions, such as hearing news or watching your favourite soap featuring a similar traumatic incident. Some stress reactions diminish within 4-8 weeks, but should these continue, you may need to seek additional support."

By Shannon.